Father's Day hopeful.

I sit here and think about Father's Day and what it means to me. To be honest... it is really hard to wrap my heart around. My dad is an alcoholic. And when I say alcoholic, I am talking about things like he is a great guy, when sober (or so I remember from my childhood) and is the hardest worker I have ever met, but when he isn't at work, he is elbow deep in the bottle.

My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade. And before then.. my childhood wasn't the best. I remember my parents fighting, I remember having to go with my mom numerous times to pick my dad up from the bar, and I remember waking up in the morning & finding my dad passed out on our front porch. Those visions are etched deep in my mind and I think will always be there.

When my parents divorced, my dad went even deeper into his slumber. He didn't care about anything except drinking.. my guess is to numb the pain. He missed basketball games, my confirmation, parent teacher conferences and almost my graduation, which he did make it to.... drunk.  He went on to marry my ex-stepmom, who was really young. My older sister and I had a hard time dealing with this because there was a 15 year gap between the two of them. She also had a little 1 year old from her previous marriage. As our relationship diminished because of the divorce, it also was pushed even further when my dad and his new family decided to move to Wisconsin, where my uncle and his family lived.  4 1/2 hours away is a long way when you are not yet 16 and can't jump in the car to go see your dad. 4 1/2 hours is even farther away when your dad can't jump in the car and come to visit you either because he has had 3-4 DUIs and lost his license, pretty much for good.

The summer before my Freshman year of HS I decided I was going to  go stay with them for the summer. Only to find out when I got there that my stepmom, whom I didn't get along with very well was pregnant. And I am not talking about just newly pregnant. Due in 5 months, pregnant. Why was I not informed of this? At that moment I never felt more bombarded with news, yet so distant from my own father. I made it about 3 weeks and I wanted to go home. One night I called my mom crying telling her I wanted to come home and she got in the car & drove all night, to pick me up.

I have the most amazing mother.

After that incident, I didn't see my dad very much. October came & my beautiful little sister, S was born. I received pictures of her but never actually met her until she was almost a year. And how did we meet, are you wondering? Well shortly after S was born, my stepmom & dad divorced. She took the girls back home, which was only about 10 minutes from my house. My dad stayed in Wisconsin. He came up with my uncle on Thanksgiving & that was about it. When he came up S came to stay with my family and that is when I saw her. Although, it didn't last long. H(my stepmom) picked up very early on the fact that when S was with my dad's family (who she didn't know besides my dad and uncle) my dad was drunk.

To make a long story short, she asked my dad to sign over rights to the girls (he had adopted M). He agreed. I honestly think that was the best thing he could have ever done for them. He gave them a real chance at having a father that would love them and be there for them.  The funny thing is, once he did that, H and I became closer and I have remained a part of the girls' lives and I can say that I am so thankful. They are both amazing sisters and so loving. I love watching them grow and become the young girls that that are. I love them both so much, and hopefully I will fill some kind of void for them, since my dad isn't in their lives.

Since that time, when I didn't think he could get any worse, he did. He started doing drugs. He became hateful towards people that loved him. His phone calls to me began being ONLY when he was drunk. He would call me at all hours of the night,drunk, telling me that I was basically a horrible daughter because I didn't go down to see him ever & that I was partially to blame for my mother's and his problems when they were married.

How do you say that to someone that was 12 years old at the time?

How do you say that to your daughter?

The one that wanted her entire life to be daddy's little girl?

I was heart broken.

And then that hurt turned to numbness. And I am not quite sure that ever went away.

I stopped taking his phone calls.

I stopped talking to his side of the family.

I cut myself off from all the hurt that was making me depressed.

And then I began to rebuild my life without him in it.

I have seen him twice in the last 4 years and haven't talked to him in over a year. 

To be honest, I have never looked forward to Father's Day. It is supposed to be a day to honor your dad, and show him just how much he means to you, and how amazing he has been in your life. And I don't have any of those feelings. I can't, truthfully, say that he was a great dad. I can't even bring myself to buy a generic Father's Day card and send it to him in the mail. This may make me a bad person but I just don't have the strength to let him back in, in anyway.  I have tried to help him time and time again, only to be left with broken promises, told ya so's and more tears than one person should ever cry.

Still, I pray that he finds strength and sobriety and gets his life back on track for himself. He is married again & I hope that she helps him find the way. I may not have him in my life but I will never give up hope on him, even if it is from afar. 

 I do love him. He is my dad.

That brings me to this Father's Day. This is the first year that I am excited again to celebrate. I have a wonderful stepdad in my life, as well as father-in-law, and my husband. Kennedy has an amazing daddy. He is so wonderful with her & just melts with everything that she does. I can't tell you  how much it means to me, more than I think it normally would. To see my little girl light up every time she sees Andy is the most incredible feeling, ever. I wouldn't trade it for the world & I am so lucky to have the family I do.

 I love that man a little more everyday.

 & for the first time, in a long, long time... I am looking forward to celebrating father's day this year and every one in the future.

So from the bottom of my heart. Wishing all of you daddies out there a great Father's Day weekend!